FULHAM fans are convinced that their team is always last on Match of the Day. Bolton fans are convinced that their team is always last on Match of the Day. Fulham played Bolton last night. Tony Gubba was the commentator. There was only one game that could possibly be last on Match of the Day.
Last night’s final match: Fulham 2 Bolton 1. Commentator: Tony Gubba. Length of highlights: 5 mins 17 secs
“It’s still early in the first half and Sammy Lee is already looking half drowned,” observed Gubba through a Craven Cottage monsoon.
Curiously, there was a shot of Lawrie Sanchez moments later which showed the Fulham manager to be completely dry. It does make me wonder if Lee is being followed around by his own personal rain cloud, like Calamity James used to be in the Beano.
Gubba, like a set of Bridgestone slick tyres, always performs better in the rain, as it gives him a chance to plunder his vast repertoire of wet weather metaphors. To this day, I can’t get out of my head an FA Cup tie between Bishop Auckland and Bury, featured on MOTD about 15 years ago, which was utterly forgettable in every sense other than Gubba’s line during the commentary that the ball was “as slippery as a wet baby”.
“It’s like somebody’s turned the shower on,” said Gubba as Nicky Hunt launched the long throw that led to Bolton’s goal. A classic piece of comedy goalkeeping from Fulham’s Tony Warner followed, Heidar Helguson pounced against his former club to give Bolton the lead, and Gubba was off.
“The ball must be as slippy as a bar of soap,” he shouted. (Curiously, a phrase repeated by Sanchez in his post-match interview.) Bolton keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen escaped punishment for a similar piece of Edward Jellyhands cackhandedness at the other end, but Wanderers still lost, thanks to Alexei Smertin’s freak deflected winner.
Lee looked crestfallen in his post-match interview; it was actually quite heartbreaking to watch. I hope he gets a win soon, because I can’t face seeing a man go through that kind of pain every week.
And so, after two rounds of Premier League fixtures, the Gubbometer (or the ‘Last game on Match of the Day’ league table, for the uninitiated) looks like this:
Gubbometer
1. Gubba – 1
2=. Fulham – 1
2=. Bolton – 1
4=. Everton – 1
4=. Wigan – 1
(Please note: Where teams are level, positions are decided on ‘Gubba difference’; ie, a last match commentated on by Tony Gubba is worth more than one that isn’t.)
When I started this competition, I made it clear that fans would only have grounds for complaint if their team was on MOTD last more times than Gubba. The same number of times is not good enough. On that basis, Gubba leads on the Gubbometer with two games gone. So unlike the Premier League, we have a predictable early leader.
But remember; it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

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